Getting too personal or finally getting somewhere.


Who cries on a stationary bike at the gym?

Really though, who does that?!?

Some of you probably are not surprised that this very occurrence just took place. There I was, riding on level 8, my iPod on shuffle giving me all the right tunes to tackle this gargantuous hill. I had just finished lipping the words to “Low” by Flo Rida when a slow song came out of nowhere, blind siding me and leaving me with tears streaming down my face and what I am sure looked like an awful pout.

As much as I cry at anything, from the Geico Caveman commercials to starving children in Africa, I really hate crying. However, I deem it acceptable when a break through stems from the water works. This, my friends, was a break through.

Now it was Jack Johnson’s “Same Girl” that left me weeping like a willow. I remembered the song from when I was in love. From when my life was messier.

I am over the fact that not every love works out and I am the happiest single girl you will meet but maybe that is the problem. That I am single. On purpose.

We tend to compare pasts and presents. We look back at a time in our life and we think of how we have improved since that very moment. For the past year or so I have looked back at the time when I was first in love and how messy and disorganized and crazy it was and I have felt happy to have made my life cleaner and more predictable and ultimately controllable.

Am I the only one who feels the urge to be a massive control freak even if it means missing out on all the fun? Things are just so much prettier and nicer when we know they are coming. Right? Life is easier and manageable when we insist on disproving fate. Correct? If we try really, really, really hard than we can see to it that we never get hurt, that life never gets tough, that we never are thrown a curve ball. Yes?

Well there it is. Fact #1: We cannot control what life will hand us. Like a roller coaster, even if we don’t want the upside down loops or twisty turns, sometimes we will just be forced to take them. And Deal With It.

But then WHY am I refusing to step outside of this little safety zone that I have constructed for myself and just take a leap of faith and date? And my definition of “date” would be actually putting myself into a position where I could possibly fall for someone or find myself missing that person when they aren’t there or smiling when I catch their scent on my pillow.

Well it seems that I have bared my soul, told more than I have ever wanted to reveal in this blog. I Am Absolutely Petrified Of Someone Loving Me. Loving me beyond what I can hand to them in a resume. Loving me for the little things, for the fact that I have the world’s most hideous laugh or that they know they will always be second in my heart to Lil’ Wayne. I am afraid to be loved for a fact other than that I am good asset to a team or a great leader, but for the fact that I am Hannah Katy Brencher and someone finds that to be enough.More than enough.

Well I can assure you that I will not make this blog all about me, but it feels good to just admit that. It feels good to see why I am standing outside of the pool and only dipping my toe in. When we realize what we are afraid of then, and only then, we can begin to face that fear head on.

So maybe I needed a good cry at the gym (I cannot hold tight to my “tough guy with muscles of steel” reputation forever). Maybe I needed to see that I actually missed the feeling of having a messy life. Sure it is great to be orderly or to be prepared for anything that comes our way, but life is going to be messy regardless so we might as well welcome the chaos and learn to love it.

I need to let go of the reins. Stop holding my love life by the neck and gradually switch to a friendly hand hold. I need to stop letting other people fall for me while I watch safely from the side lines and then move on. I need to stop wishing that I would not be stuck up on a pedestal and just step off the damn pedestal. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.

Well there is my heart sitting nicely on the internet. Please don’t judge.

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22 thoughts on “Getting too personal or finally getting somewhere.

  1. Hey Hannah…

    I’m new to your blog, but I was an instant fan. I love your words, your feelings and your thoughts; they are gripping and inspiring.

    Your post really hit home with me, as for a long time I lived my life the same way; a mere sideline player, never really in any situation to win or lose the game. It seemed safe to know that I wouldn’t get dirty. I even pushed away someone I loved with my fear. And when I realized I did I had to do the scariest thing I could ever imagine; put my heart in his hands and stop being a bystander in my own life. It was the single most scary and invigorating feeling.

    I have continued to make mistakes because of my fear, but I never close my heart to him and while it’s still scary because he has the most power to hurt me I have to trust that he won’t. And if he does I have to know that I am strong enough to survive it and that I didn’t deserve the hurt.

    And so are you. After all, isn’t all the mistakes, trips, hurdles, bumps and falls in life that taught us the most? Made us this strong? Beautiful? Intelligent?

    Life is a little tricky, but I can say that you deserve a life well lived…even though it means being a little messy. And really, a little mess here and there only makes life that much more interesting.

    Good luck! You deserve it.

  2. You never write a boring post, HK, so you can write about whatever you like and heck a good 90% of blogs are personal. Probably.

    I must say, I find this a strange confession, being afraid of love. Normally people are afraid of *not* being loved for themselves but you’ve gone for the opposite route. I know this getting personal is probably a one time thing, but if you ever want to talk about it to someone who isn’t around you all the time, I’m a pretty good listener as are, I’m sure the rest of your readers if any of them impress you enough.

    And regarding the “(I cannot hold tight to my β€œtough guy with muscles of steel” reputation forever)”, you are hitting a nerve here too. I’m similarly stoic about the things that upset me to all but a few people. Maybe it’s being British, maybe it’s being a bloke, maybe it’s my inherent discomfort with dumping my personal problems on other people for the most part. But I suspect you know as well as I that it’s healthier for our souls to let that guard down once in a while. And goodness knows your soul (at least it seems to me) is one too beautiful to let be damaged thus.

  3. Thank you to the both of you. It means so much to get a positive response from just being honest.

    Thank you for the kindness Stephen, I may take you up on that talking.

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

  4. I am one of those people that tries (and fails) to plan everything out in life. I know that it is not possible and that things do not always go the way you would like them too but I wish it was not like that. I rarely put myself out there as well mainly because I am terrified of being hurt or failing at something. A good song that I have been listening to a lot is Warning by Incubus. One of my resolutions is the learn how to just live in the moment and let things happen and this song is definitely helping me with it!

  5. I didn’t cry on the bike but on the treadmill at the gym. I was reading “The Notebook”. So there we go, there is 2 of us crying during a workout. πŸ™‚ I think I am more afraid of loving someone than being loved by someone but it still pretty much results in the same thing.

  6. I won’t judge you! I have cried on many occasions at the gym, Working out can be an emotional experience! haha But I totally relate to the brick wall of emotional detachment being single on purpose can bring. I especially hate it when I can feel it coming down and I have to build it back up again, if that makes ANY sense at all! Everything will work out. Maybe you should try yoga instead of that stationary bike!! It’s really changed my life perspective for the better.
    ❀ R

  7. Hannah!

    I love this post. I am at exactly the exact same point in my life right now.

    I, too, cry at pretty much the drop of a hat. Fabulous writing. Thank you for baring your soul to us. Can’t wait to read more!

  8. Oh gosh, when I started dating David it was about 8 months after the biggest breakup of my LIFE and I was absolutely terrified of starting anything else with anybody – I was afraid the past would be doomed to repeat itself, that I’d open my heart again and somebody else would come trampling all over it. It took me a REALLY long time to be able to open up, and actually have faith in things working out this time – and it happened about the same time as he told me something similar to what you said here. “You can’t control what’s going to happen, what the world is going to throw at you, what people are going to think of you – all you can control is you”. (He was actually telling it to me in one of my fits of anxiety, not about love, but still applicable!) and from that moment on I decided to live life without worrying about things I couldn’t control, and just LIVE – live to be the best person I can be, and learn from the things that happen along the way.

    I loved this post – and it’s okay, I cry in very random places sometimes too πŸ™‚

  9. Thank you Emily. That is great advice and something that I am working on doing every single day. Life is WAY too short to worry over every little thing or to be afraid of living. It is just a matter of learning that it is even better to be able to experience life with someone else.

  10. girl, being loved and loving someone is the scariest thing. ever! i am still single (on purpose) because of it! but, i feel like it would be disingenuous to get into a relationship at this point of my life, because i don’t think i can give back to someone in a way that would make a relationship work, ya know? i don’t feel emotionally “ready”. i think i’m getting close, but i have a lot to learn about myself first, and a lot of goals to get after!

    1. I hear ya. I think it is the best feeling in the world to be able to be happy on your own and to be ok being single. But now I think I am ready to inch my way towards sharing that with someone else. Scary stuff. Thank you floreta.

      Best,

      Hannah Katy

  11. that was such a beautiful post! perhaps it was the kings of leon i had playing in the background as i read it, but it almost brought me to tears (which is pretty tough to do!) but the strength in your words bodes well for your success in breaking down the walls you have spent so long building. i know it’s tough, honey, ’cause i’ve been there too. i was the “tough girl” for YEARS. even in my last relationship, i always kept him at an arm’s distance…for three years. once you let that barrier down, though, you will feel so relieved and you’ll be able to remember what it feels like to just let yourself fall into happiness again. best of luck and i’ll be following to hear how this all progresses! xoxo

  12. Great post, Hannah. It’s so hard to let go of the total control that you have over yourself when you’re single and take that leap of faith that love demands. When you love someone, really love someone, it’s scary. You’re vulnerable because of all that you’ve invested in that other person, most of all the pieces of yourself that you place in the other’s hands. Being loved by someone else is scary too; you have to face all of these aspects of yourself that are easy to ignore when you’re on your own, or that you never even recognized before. The only way that I can describe it is taking a leap of faith, trusting in this immense, mysterious thing that you can’t control, but also trusting that you can somehow handle it, that it won’t swallow you whole. Good relationships change you, but in a way that make you feel more like yourself than you ever have before; because you’ve opened yourself up to that other person and relinquish that comfortable distance that prevents you from getting hurt. By doing that, the other person discovers what is best within you and fosters its growth (and vice versa, of course). It takes a lot to be willing to give that much and to be that exposed. So I think a lot of people are afraid of love, even when they’re in relationships. It’s an on-going process, a constant stepping out onto a tightrope stretched across a chasm, but that’s where the beauty is.

  13. Love your blog πŸ™‚

    The funny thing is that I have been in a relationship for five (semi-solid) years and I still find myself holding back, second guessing, and building walls that no one could even attempt to break through. But it’s all a learning process. You have to learn to be single and then learn to be in a relationship all over again. The fact that you can recognize when you are holding back will make all the difference.

    And thank you for the thoughtful comment on my blog πŸ™‚

  14. I’ve totally been in this same situation. Sitting on the train rocking out and all of a sudden *the* song comes on (in my case, it was Everything by Michael Buble) Stay strong! Hugs.

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