Welcome back. I have missed you so.

I see her the second the doors to the elevator open. For a split second I try to sink into the corner of the elevator and be invisible, pray to God she does not see me. Too late. Her eyes catch mine and I know I am in for it. The inevitable. Here and Now.

She sits cross-legged on a table of the lounge, looking all too put together for a rainy Monday whose middle named is “gloomy.” She pats the seat next to her as if to motion me to sit down and talk to her. I grumble as I swing the door open to join her. Not what I want to be doing, actually, the last encounter I want to be having today.

We sit in an awkward silence that seems to bridge a gap between the two of us. She speaks first.

“I know you don’t want to see me right now, but that is why I am here. Hannah. You need to see me more than ever right now,” she begins. I trace her effortless smile, envious of her glowing cheeks. She has every right to be mad at me, and yet she seems genuinely overjoyed to merely be conversing with me. “You cannot see it, and you wont admit it, but you are happy to see me right now.”

Happy to see her? I laugh in my head, perplexed by her words as I shake my head. She is right. I am happy to see her. I have missed her more than anything.

“I don’t want to ask why. I don’t need to know how. I just want to ask you if you are happy like this?” Her question barrels me over; neither accusatory nor negative, I realize she is concerned.

“No,” I say, half whispering. “I don’t know who this person is but I miss you and I wish I could be you again. But I don’t know how. ”

She is me. I am her. The one sitting next to me, with the crossed legs, she and I share the same name. But lately I push her out. Lately I don’t let her come around. Lately I cannot understand why I am like this, how I got to be like this, but I miss my true self. The One Sitting On The Table Next To Me.

“Hannah, you don’t have to let me go. If anything I would hope you would hang onto me more tightly at this time. That’s o.k.”

Tears are welling in the corners of my eyes as she tells me this. I want to push out this impostor in my body and be whole again. Too Hard. Too Much Work. I am comfortable coasting through just as I am.

Of all the directions, forward is always the hardest to move in.

“No you are not.” Of course she reads my thoughts, I mean, she is me. “You have invested your heart and your soul into this place. And wherever you are going next, you will do the same. But only, and yes only, if you don’t forget to right now Hannah. You are clipping your own wings right now, Hannah. And if you let them stay clipped for too long, well then, soon you are going to forget that you were ever meant to fly.

And she’s right. So right. Too right. Right.

“Hannah, I know you like I know a thousand other people, but you in particular. The easy way is to wallow, to cry every five minutes, expect the world to be sorry for you and to be miserable. That would be easy. And have you ever taken the easy way out? Have I ever let you? No.”

I hate to listen. I want to wallow. I want to say “woe is me!” But where will that get me? Certainly not any closer to where I need to be.

“You need to suck it up. Fight through the pain of this moment. Let. Go. Will it be easy to let me back into your life? Not at first, but you will be thankful that you let me in. At first I will be hard on you, make you go to lunch dates and finish your papers, make you finish as gracefully as when you started. But you will thank me. And let me stick around, heck, let me be here permanently and you won’t want to wonder anymore how to be happy from day to day. You just will be.”

She is the part of me who I love. She is me when I am at my best. When I am thankful and beautiful, whole and full. She is the version of myself that makes others want to be around me, that captivates strangers with a secret that I desperately want to share.

She is me. I am her.

I miss her. So much that I am saying it right now. Enough is enough. I don’t care what has happened in the past few weeks, the uncertainties of tomorrow, I am alive and I am blessed. I am at a crossroads where potential and possibility are knocking at my door like barbaric house guests. And I need to let them in.

So we make a pact, sitting upon the table. I cross my legs to mimic hers. She will help me, little by little, until I don’t need her anymore. Until I become her again.  We will wake up, learn to smile again and reclaim all that makes me a girl who deserves the world’s love.

I smile and mean it for the first time in a long while. “Welcome back,” I say to her. She grins at me, and I feel the glow returning back to my own cheeks in this instance. “Welcome back old self, it has been too long and I have missed you so.

And a special thank you to Brittney at Pavement Chaser for giving me a “Master of Words Award.” It is an honor and a pleasure to receive it! Head on over and check out her blog!

20 thoughts on “Welcome back. I have missed you so.

  1. This is incredible and it really spoke to me. I’ve had a pretty rough time in the last couple of weeks and it’s easy to break down in tears and feel sorry for ourselves when nothing seems to be going right. But I was thinking this morning, that’s not going to make anything better. A year ago I made a decision to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to get to where I wanted to be. If I’ve done it before (and been in worse places before), that means I can pull my socks up and do it again, no? Your words were the icing on the cake this morning. I’m not going to wallow. I’m going to push forward and chalk things up to learning experiences, evaluate who and what I want in my life and do something about finding them. And not just sitting in a corner crying.

    I’m so glad you wrote this 🙂

    1. Thank you Emily! I am so happy that you were able to get something out of this… I too have felt the same way lately and this post is a declaration to moving forward and it feels absolutely amazing. And as you know already, but I will say it again, I am always always always here for you. Your friendship has meant the world to me.


      Hannah Katy

  2. this is beautiful. absolutely beautiful. i think we’ve all been there at least once before. It’s tough to get back to being ourselves again but the truth is we can and we will. And we will be loved again and we will love again and we deserve love.

    You’ve got a real talent for writing, Hannah.

  3. Oh my. I could have written this post. Except I wouldn’t have been able to say it nearly as beautifully & succinctly as you just did. I too have watched myself drift away – from a calm, confident, happy person to the shadow of a person I have become over the last 4-5 months.

    We will both get back to the people we both know we are. The people we are capable of being.

  4. Beautiful post! Definitely been dealing with something similar for the past few months. You’ve just inspired me to re-try writing blog posts like this as I did in my previous blogging life.

    But once again, just absolutely gorgeously written… ❤

  5. this one is beautiful hannah. it made me tear up. i wish i had read this a while ago, i feel like it definitely would have helped me. you’re always an inspiration. love you

  6. I stumbled on your blog (almost literally) today. I am surprised that so much thinking can be packed in before breakfast. Thinking that I have been putting off for a little too long.

    I don’t think I’ve ever known the me when I’m at my best- if I have, I hope that there is another out there. There is a me that I remember loving… back in high school… nearly a decade ago. But she’s been AWOL for a while… and thinking about her leaves me feeling like she could have been better. I’m going to tackle a bagel and consider hunting down a better me over breakfast. Where do you start looking when you don’t know what to look for?

    1. Well I am very happy that you did find the blog. This post was inspired during a time where I knew exactly the person I was capable of being but I had let her slip off a bit by getting caught up into other things.. And so I wrote this as a return to myself. I think perhaps you are not even looking for your old self but quite possibly a reinvention of self, a whole new person. Sometimes I sit down and make lists of things in my life that I wish I could improve at.. Nothing too demanding but little things like “I wish I read more literature” or “I wish I could spend more time getting closer to God” and then I find little ways to improve upon that stuff. Each action I made towards building a better self is what I deem to be a good thing.. The question to ask, once you write down what it is that you would like to change in your life, is “what stops you from it?” Often we have the solution to a better version of ourselves right under our noses but it requires faith, trust, CHANGE, and a few leaps and jumps to get to that person.. But coming from someone who is now back to the girl she has always loved and adored, it is worth it. Very much so.

      I hope you continue to read the blog! Good luck on your hunt.


      Hannah Katy

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