Girl meets Boy

There will be no rose ceremony tonight.


Bouquet of Red Roses

I’m single.

Yes, single. And that’s probably the most miserable thing about my life that I can admit. Not because I am pining to meet you, that’s not it. You can take your time. Really. I am taking mine. But it’s miserable because being single has made me feel wrong to be waiting for you.

I’m the girl who people want to push into relationships. They want to set me up on countless dates. They want to survey me from every angle and determine what exactly is going wrong with this situation because I am pretty, and I am successful, and I should have no problem meeting someone already.

I get slotted into a pile of girls who are waiting on their rose ceremonies. They are already wondering if he will open every door and call instead of text. And I don’t care about any of that. Really. Your face at my door will be enough after all of this.

I’ve had to back out carefully from these boxes of what people think it means to be “single and somehow waiting” because they will suffocate me and I won’t remember how to want you any longer.

 

 

I’m caught in a world that tells me never to settle and then double backs to tell me that I shouldn’t have too high of expectations. That people are imperfect. And fairy tales aren’t reality. I know that. I have been perfectly in love with people who never gave me a fairy tale but I would still be coming back to the blue in their eyes if they gave me the option to stay.

Darling, I’m not looking for no Cinderella story. Jeepers, I will go barefoot if you wanna roll that way. I’m not looking for you to call me instead of text me. I am not going to chastise for you for improper grammar (though words spelt out fully in text messages are SO much sexier). I haven’t married you in my mind already (don’t worry) simply because I don’t even know if you like peanut butter and I think I have to know that first. And let’s just be honest, I would be content with a pixie stick and a ring made out of a straw wrapper if it meant we could focus on faithfulness instead of fluff.

I want to eat breakfast at my wedding. I want to laugh from my belly. I want to celebrate the people who brought you to me at long last. I could care less about how we decorate the room. Let’s just throw toilet paper up into the rafters. A pair of Nikes instead of heels would fit me just fine. I just want to be with you forever. And maybe dance that entire night. And I just want to never stand at a crossroads that makes us both wonder if someone already walked away without telling the other person honestly.

 

I’ve been stuck in the middle of unfaithful things before and it is truly the most sunken feeling in the world. To learn your own body is a wrecking ball and that your worth can rest in the hands of someone who never valued what it took for you to build into the person standing before them that day. It’s like two bodies clinging to each other, hoping they can keep one another from walking out the door but unable to open their eyes to see that Trust broke all the windows, and kicked down all the doors, when she broke loose and left them.

Once Trust walks away, and secrets build up in her absence, you’re rarely getting back to a place where Commitment is the centerpiece on a table first set by Love.

That’s my worry. Beyond where I will meet you or how you will think to hold my hand, my worry comes from living in a world where infidelity is a light and laughable thing. Where people call into the radio to debate on whether they should have sex with strangers when their husband won’t touch them any longer. And cheating is expected if your spouse turns out to be boring or bitchy or imperfect in a way that doesn’t serve you.

My worry comes from living in a world where “goodbye” is rarely ever meant because technology has made it easier for us to hold on to old flames just a little longer. And we make movies out of unresolved love stories that leave other girls and guys standing like fools at the altars, left not chosen because their partner’s heart never found the endurance it would take to let an old love die. And so they stopped being honest. And they let it get too far. My worry comes from knowing we still get weak in the knees and we wonder “what if” because it excites us and it gives us adventure. But it breaks our hearts all over again. All at the same time.

 

 

I’m not asking for a fairy tale.

Not the pumpkin. Not the dress. But I expect that both of us are going to show up to this thing like gladiators. With shields. And swords. And cool armor. And all the things it would take to fight for one another, over & over & over again.  You, my dear, are already my favorite thing to fight for. Did you know that? I don’t even need to know the color of your eyes or the quirk in your laugh to know I’m going to fight for you like crazy.

And every single day I grow stronger as a woman, and a leader, and future Someone to you someday but everyday until then I am reminded of just how fragile you already are to me. Just because the human heart is resilient and pumped full with fighter’s blood doesn’t mean it was stitched to handle the tumble dry setting of someone who stumbles over when it means to be faithful. I don’t want to put you through that. I can’t bear to put you through that.

I can’t bear to see your back sunken over and tears running down your face on the day I betray you with flesh. And so I’d rather wait here, not giving trial runs and free subscriptions to my heart out up until the day you come around. I’d rather stay here and learn the crooks and corners of this heart of mine for myself before I ever think you could attempt to understand it too. I don’t need to know your every footstep. I don’t care all the places you’ve been. I just want a loyalty that this world won’t give us.

That’s worth waiting for. It’s worth sacrificing everything for it.

I might be the ogre of singledom. I might be the girl who owns the #foreveralone hash tag and gets it screen printed on tees to sell in the heart of New York City. I might never get the rose from another guy for as long as it takes for you to get here. I. Don’t. Care. Because if and when I find you, that is it.

You get all my human affections. You get all of me. A deal is a deal is a deal. I’m yours.

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31 thoughts on “There will be no rose ceremony tonight.

  1. Suzanne says:

    its a real thing to wait for a man you’ve loved your entire life and be patient with his arrival so i hear ya sista. unfortunately for my man he will get a playful slap and then the deepest most passionate of kisses – eyes closed with a flutter in my heart and my belly – for taking his long sweet time about it!

  2. and sometimes you reach a point and realize that no ‘other person’ can make you happy or complete.. you have to find that important piece inside of your soul! but yes, i agree, one should believe that somewhere out there is the right person that compliments and cherishes who you are!

    lisa/z

  3. Anonymous says:

    I don’t think I’ve EVER read something so accurate. I’m bookmarking this until The Guy comes along so I can show him, because I don’t think I’ll ever have words of my own to tell him as true as this.

  4. Beautiful…thank you for sharing! I feel it is an affirmation of a few of my similar choices –perfectly placed for encouragement and inspiration.

  5. Valerie says:

    Wow!! What a breathtaking and so beautifully written piece. I love it and being recently divorced out of a relationship where much of what you speak of happened this really hits home. Thank you for this….I shall keep it 🙂

  6. “That’s my worry. Beyond where I will meet you or how you will think to hold my hand, my worry comes from living in a world where infidelity is a light and laughable thing. Where people call into the radio to debate on whether they should have sex with strangers when their husband won’t touch them any longer. And cheating is expected if your spouse turns out to be boring or bitchy or imperfect in a way that doesn’t serve you.”

    This is what worries me too!

    LOVED IT! ❤

  7. That was beautiful Hannah! I know how it feels exactly to have held on to something so beautiful and never being able to express what and how. It’s a sad thing, being single but when you know that you’ve made the person happy and left an impression, it doesn’t matter how much it can hurt. I hope you’re well 🙂

  8. Not a Romeo says:

    Will you marry me? Just kidding, well maybe. Where can I find a girl like you who actually values more in life than the superficial things. Who gets the seriousness of two becoming one, and sticking it out no matter what. I’m a guy who is also waiting for the same, so we are out there.

  9. This is AMAZING & beautiful Hannah. THANK you for sharing it. You’re not alone, as evidenced by the wonderful comments and everything. I know you’re not talking about being worried if you are alone, but for me it’s always nice for the reminder. 😀

  10. Dear Hannah,

    I am simply in loooooove with your writing.
    Your writing is so simple, honest, straight from the heart and with guts to be free of external judgement.
    Your writing simply inspires me to speak my soul out without hesitation.

    Be the lovely, honest, outspoken girl always…

    love love love,
    Seema

  11. Yes, girl. Yes. Keep the part of you that felt this and wrote this alive, because you. are. worth. it. and so is the man on the other side of this. Journey the crevices of your heart and keep going because it doesn’t stop once you’re a Mrs. … Hearts are wild things — I won’t pretend to understand it in the general sense, but learning about my husband’s heart, sharing mine, and seeing God’s heart through both is an experience I could never daydream up. I don’t think there’s only one way to experience it, either. Keep going, sweet Hannah.

  12. YES. Times a thousand. Thank you, so much, for writing. I feel so similar about being single, but I don’t know if I could ever put it into such accurate, heartfelt words as you have.

    I’m in love with your writing. Don’t. Ever. Stop. You’re rare, and you’re true. Your heart is beautiful. Keep it that way.

    You’re what this world needs.
    -April ❤

  13. You are one of a kind! Thank you for your beautiful words! I know a lot of my girlfriends will appreciate your words. if I can share it on my blog, it would be an honor.
    – Barbara :]]

  14. Dear Hannah:

    I fought this fight, and waited in faithfulness, fighting to become the Someone to another person, and have him be my Someone in return.

    I’m marrying my Someone in 10 days. I’m 28, and I still haven’t kissed him yet. It has been worth every moment of the fight, every moment of the wait. This is just a tiny corner of my story. I hope it encourages you, as yours has encouraged me.

    http://www.ampersandphotoblog.com/2013/05/15/an-introduction-announcement/

    • terriaracy says:

      Sarah, I just read your story on your blog and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sending me hope all the way from your “tiny corner”. Congratulations to you and Buck!!

  15. Your blog has been a balm on my wounds over the last months, but this note just… I don’t know. I mean I do, but I don’t. You’ve put into words what my heart felt but didn’t know what to call it. Again.
    You will get what you dream of. He’s out there, getting ready to sweep you of your feet.

  16. melissavenable says:

    I could have written this not too many years ago. I did write things like this (although not as beautifully put!). It would drive me crazy how people would tell me not to settle, but then would say my expectations were too high. And I was definitely the girl that baffled people, because they couldn’t understand why i was still single.

    My guy came into my life at 29. I got married at 30. I’m now 35. I LOVE marriage. I love married life. When i finally found that person, people would say, “oh, you’re in love now – but just you wait.” Wait until you get married, or wait until that first year is over, after that it’s so hard, or wait until you have kids. We don’t have kids yet (not by choice), but we are so incredibly thankful and head-over-heels for each other. Nobody agrees with me – but we haven’t found marriage to be difficult yet. We have faced hard times, but we are facing them together! Marriage is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and i am so glad i didn’t settle. He was everything i hoped for. I’m not saying he’s perfect – who is? But he’s perfect for me. He was SO SO worth waiting for. And he will be for you, too. Thanks for writing this!

  17. Oh Hannah! I believe we will be better off for waiting for that someone that is sent. Anything worth having is worth waiting for and fighting for once it is received.

  18. Angel says:

    How do you so eloquently put everything that is on my heart. I swear you can read my mind and heart, and then manage to put so beautifully for everyone else to understand. you have a gift, Hannah!

  19. Laura P says:

    always always always, hannah B! you get it. thanks for the serenity and solidarity your writing always gives me. see ya this weekend! bring those dancing shoes 😉

  20. This is stunning… I love the way you write! Thank you for being so honest, for expressing your heart, and reminding me (another single girl) of what the important things in marriage are all about… God bless, Rebekkah

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