God

Do what it takes to make me your gold.


descanso

He’s been talking lately.

Like a boy who goes radio silent for weeks before his name starts showing up on your screen again, God has been talking in that way.

I guess I should state the facts: he’s probably been talking all along. He probably has been whispering and trying his darndest to yell above the noise of my life and I just haven’t heard him. That’s usually the case– I am running, and doing, and pulling, and prying, and trying my hardest (my absolute hardest) to make life move without him. And that’s just the second fact: I like to be in control. I like to know the elements around me. I like to know what follows after Step 1. And so the idea of a God of the universe has always, sort-of rubbed up against me like sandpaper because I don’t want to let anything in that might make me unclench my fists and give up control. 

 

Give up control.

That would be the anthem of my life these days. Give up control & let me work.

That’s the first thing I heard when my car pulled onto the campus of the retreat center I was staying at for four days last week. I only had to speak one of the days. The other three days were like God’s perfect, compact entryway to tear into my life and show me all the parts of me that he could stand to change. It’s like he had a list. A List of Things to Change. 

I think that’s the part of God I’ve always resisted. I think maybe that’s why a lot of people resist God and try their hardest to disprove him, or hitchhike away from him, or make him a sliver of their life but not their whole entire life.

I used to think the people who made God the center of their orbit– the sun within their solar system– were crazy. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand it. I thought, “Don’t you want control? Don’t you want to hold all the cards?”

That was God to me. God and I, we’d talk every once in a while. I didn’t look for him in the trees. I prayed when I needed stuff. God was like Santa Claus– I came to him with lists and I wanted him to leave presents for me while I was sleeping. I remember being really clear when I told God, “Listen, you get parts of me. You get very tiny parts of me but you don’t get all of me. Sorry. Not working that way.” Like I said, control is my thing.

 

The world has constructed a lot of gods out of God.

We live in this culture that does a really good job of taking one characteristic of the God of the universe and blowing it out to proportions where it smothers all the other characteristics.

I mean, it’s easy to believe in a God of Wrath. It’s easy to believe in that Leviticus kind of God. He’s the dude that ruins the party. He thinks less of us already. He holds his measuring stick high to our chins and whispers, “Just try, if you want. You’ve already fallen from grace in my eyes.” He points fingers and names names. And we throw up hands and curl in corners because this God never fit us. And this God failed the already failed ones.

When that is your own perception of God then it makes it so much easier to walk away from him. It’s easy to be free from the dictator God. It’s a perfect opportunity to bash him in circles and find common ground among the people who also have been hurt by a God of Wrath.

And similarly, it’s easy to believe in a God who is lukewarm. A passive little God who fits smug in your back pocket and you get the chance to pull him out whenever you need him to fight your battles. He’s like a Pokemon. I mean, it’s convenient to believe in a God who will always be smaller than you. It’s convenient to worship a God you get to play god over.

And then there is the God who showers you with praise. And the God who winks and nudges you at when you notice the bible verse on the bottom of the Forever 21 bag. It’s the God who doesn’t ask you to change and just exists to stroke your ego and tell you everything– every little thing– will be more than okay. He’s the God we plaster the quotes of on coffee mugs and journals. He’s sunshine and roses, always. Always.

But it gets uncomfortable when you meet the God who could stand to change you. The God who says, “Yes, I made you but I never had the plan of keeping you this way.”

This is the God who wants to morph you and mold you into something better. That’s supremely uncomfortable to believe in because the molding hurts. And the morphing hurts. And it would be easier– so much easier– to just stand in one place with the God of Wrath, or the Passive God, or the God who never needs you to dig deeper beneath the surface.

 

I met the God who could stand to change me.

I met him the moment I drove onto that campus and wheeled my little, red carry-on into my bedroom, the one with the rooster lamp and the strange farm scenes playing out all over my blue bedspread.

You see, I’ve been to this retreat center before. I’ve stood in this bedroom before. I know that if I walk to the closet and open the door, I will be met with all sorts of Sharpie marker scribblings all over the walls. The scribbles are from people who came to this retreat center with marriages crumbling and holding on by threads. Hoping God would move. Hoping God would pulse. I knew when I stepped into that room that, if I opened my closet door, I would find redemption stories dancing all over the walls in red and blue.

I left the suitcase at the door and I walked into the bathroom. I remembered the bathroom from the year before because the tub was massive, it was the type of tub I really hope I have one day. The type of tub that makes me think you’re a real adult if you have a tub so big.

I stared at the tub for a minute or so before stepping inside– clothes on and shoes on– and sitting down square in the middle of that tub. I am serious, I laid in the tub with my Nike pumps kicked up against the porcelain and I just closed my eyes. And I opened them. And I closed them. And the silence was deafening and I hated it so. I hate that kind of silence you can’t escape from, the kind that encloses all around you, because you know God is going to speak eventually. And you are afraid of what He will say. You are so afraid of what he will want of you.

I just stayed. Right there. I didn’t reach for my phone. I didn’t look for a way to push into some new distraction that would take me away from him so I easily. I stayed. And I started to pick at the polish of my nails. Flecks of red fell off and all around me into the tub. And as I chipped, he spoke. As I chipped, he spoke. And I was torn between interrupting. Interrupting to say, “I’ve missed you. Where have you been?” But I know his answer already.

I know he would have said right back, “I never left you. I never leave you. You’re just busy. You’re busy and you’re hustling and you are doing all these things that allow you to stay distracted enough that you never need to come to me. 

But haven’t you felt empty, child? Haven’t you missed the feeling of being full? Child, child, put your armor down. I never left you, you’ve just been trying to get away.” 

 

He’s right, I’ve been trying to get away.

Because I am human. And that’s what humans do. I pack and I flee away from the light. I look for the answers in the world all around me. I think I steer better and own my dreams better. But more than that, I have not stopped convincing myself yet that I am a better keeper of my own emptiness. I think I am really so good at guarding my own emptiness and letting no one near enough to touch and tell me, “You could clear this all away if you really wanted to.”

“Fine,” I whisper in the depths of that tub. “Just do it. Just do your work.”

Chip. Chip. Chip. The paint continues to fall away.

“Just make me into gold. All those bible verses, they tell me that I could be your gold. Do what it takes to make me your gold.”

Chip, chip, chip…

I feel him doing his work. Whispering into the old parts of me, “Done with this. Over with that. Gone goes that ugly part of you.”

Chip, chip, chip…

“Never again will you find your worth in this. Darling, aren’t you tired of holding this? Don’t you want to just let it go?”

Chip, chip, chip…

And then the quiet. I stay still. I close my eyes. Open them. Close them. And the voice comes back, the one that sounds like silver and victory. It rushes in to stop my sobs for good, “You, I love you. Gosh, it hurts so to express how I love you because I know you don’t see it. Somehow you don’t see what I think of you– you only see yourself through the lens of a world that wants you to get so small that you disappear altogether. 

I want so much of you. I am so jealous for you. I love you bigger. Bigger than your little mind can ever know. And that is why I can never leave you this way.  Sitting in the tubs of your own emptiness. That is why I can’t keep you here, clutching old garments of your past.

I have so much new for you, little bee. I have so much new for you. 

Baby, baby, all will be well. But you have to let me take it from here. You have to let it go and let me take it from here.”

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46 thoughts on “Do what it takes to make me your gold.

  1. Pingback: above the noise of my life | Atlanta Tech Blogs

  2. Oceans is playing and your words are tumbling between my heart and my head. Sending you love and the warmest of hugs and wishing I could sit in that bathtub with you and listen to the silence of Him whispering slowly into our skin. So happy I could hug you this week and watch you speak and know we all left changed.

    Also, pretty sure we were in the car behind you on the way out. With your Connecticut plates doing a 3 point turn? I wish I could’ve gone back too. Love.

    XOXO, Katie

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  3. J says:

    Even if this is the only comment, I want to let you know that this may very well be your best piece. Deep down, I think that we all identify with this in a way.

  4. It’s weird and gorgeous how with God, hurt can be good and mess can be beautiful and aching and lonely become healthy because it sits us down in Him again.

    This soft golden challenge to just be His again – thank you.

  5. Michelle Fox says:

    Wow Hannah…God is doing an amazing work in your life. So exciting to see. Keep pressing in. Your beautiful words are being saturated by Him.

    Big things.

    Michelle From SA.

    >

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  7. thank you for writing what has been stitched on my heart for ages and ages and why God and me, we are scrappers from way back, but I’ve only just realized that he is who you described: someone who loves me every way I am–good, bad, ugly, funky, beautiful–who pulls for me and who is so not finished with me yet, not by a crow’s mile. thankyouthankyouthankyou

  8. Emilea says:

    This is just so beautiful and honest. Your words reach right to my heart. I love that this really is our God. Constant caregiver. Meets us where we are at – even in the tub. Thanks for sharing.

  9. When I first started reading this, my thoughts immediately said “stop reading. This is one of those God-loving posts that is going to make me roll my eyes.” But then there was another voice, a voice that told me to keep reading and so I did. And I couldn’t be happier with that decision.
    I am one of those people that has a hard time with God. Growing up, I wanted him to be like a Pokemon–there when I needed him and leaving me alone when I didn’t. And even this morning before I sat down and read this, I thought to myself, “you can’t have a God that is only there when you want him–it’s gotta be all or nothing.” That’s the part I have a hard time with. I know what is expected of me and I know that to finally give my life over to him could benefit me in ways unknown to me now. But I just am not ready, I am not there yet.
    So I am waiting for my bathtub epiphany. And I’m reading your words over again to myself. I hope that one day I can come to these realizations on my own and that I can let him in the same way that you have. Control is my weakness as well, but each day I am learning to let go a little more.

  10. Ashley says:

    I completely understand the control thing. I too want to have control over everything, which makes it hard for God to do his work. I know God wants to talk with me, but i am afraid of what he will say so i continue to distract myself. Maybe sometime soon i will overcome my fear and be silent to hear what he has to say. 🙂

  11. Gabby says:

    O Hannah! The excitement I have for you in reading this is so great!! I can feel it in my bones!!! I can hardly handle it! God is so excited about you. I mean of course He is! He created you! What a beautiful creation! He is so excited to be in partnership with you.
    Something that I am learning is that change/healing doesn’t have to be painful. It might be uncomfortable for a minute but it doesn’t have to be painful. His love is so gentle. He will gently take us through whatever process He has for us. What a good Father He is. Such a beautiful, loving, gentle Father.
    Keep it up, sunshine! Dive deeper into His love! He is so excited!

  12. I grew up with God shoved in my face. The patriarchy and hypocrisy I witnessed left a bitter taste in my mouth. And, so, I scrolled right past this post when I saw that it was a post about God. But then came back and read this post. Interesting. I God doesn’t change us, but rather, empowers us to make the changes we can and also accept what we can’t. God is definitely not Santa. And we don’t get what we want, necessarily, but what we need. And Leonard Cohen said it best, cracks are how the light gets in. The treasures of life can often be best found in its scars.

  13. Pingback: Time to Lose Control | Here's To You

  14. I can’t even explain how much my heart needed to hear this. I think He definitely wanted me to hear this. He indeed has so much newness to give us little bees.

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  16. Julia says:

    my goodness Hannah. I’ve recently stumbled across your blog- and i’ll admit when I first saw this, I kind of went “oh another one of those cheesy God posts. I’m a Christian and all, but I don’t need another of these.” But this. this blew me away, Hannah your vulnerability is something I wish I could have, on or offline. This post, it’s me now. I’m big on pulling God from my back pocket when I need him, giving him empty promises and then pushing him away. Thank you for writing this. Many prayers and blessings your way. love you! (by the way you seem like one of those great people to grab coffee with and chat about life with…I wish I knew you!)

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