Letting Go

New girl.


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“Clothes,” I say.

“Plans,” he rattles back.

“Seasons.”

“You hair color,” he laughs.

We keep going back and forth. Ricocheting against one another. Only the roaring of the washer standing between our breaths of silence.

This was our favorite game. Categories. The game where you exhaust one another with all the possible types of cereal and sports teams you can think of before someone gives up and someone wins out. This was our own version of Categories. The category on the table: things that change.

“College majors,” I said.

“Shoes.”

“Shoes fall under clothes. I win.”

“Not true,” he denies. “Changing your shoes is completely different from changing your clothes… Keep going.”

“Fine. Profile pictures.”

“Good one,” he says. “Twitter bios.”

“Totally gave you that one.

We could go on for days like this, I kept thinking to myself. We could go on bantering and joking and having one another in this playful little way and nothing would need to be examined for a second or third time.

“Seasons,” I tell him.

“Kind of the like the weather but I will still give it to you,” he nudges me playfully. “Your coffee order. Definitely your coffee order. For instance, will you be a skim latte today or will you go for pumpkin?”

“Us,” I cut him off. “This.”

He doesn’t say anything. I let the silence fall on top of us like a blanket. All I can hear is the washer still going: whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.

“You ruined the game,” he said. “This was a dumb category anyway.”

“You picked it,” I answered him silently.

“I wouldn’t pick this,” he said back. His eyes were on the barren walls. The space that didn’t hold my things inside of it anymore. “I didn’t pick this.” 

Change isn’t just in the aftermath of falling in love or falling apart.

I’m learning this. I’m so used to pairing change with love stories that haven’t worked out in the creases the way I’ve wanted them to that I forget how change is so much more than that. It’s a location. It’s a best friend. It’s a person who raised you. It’s a place where you and I used to meet up and suddenly, suddenly, there isn’t room for one another anymore. Change is always wearing different costumes. It’s always wearing different makeup and capes and teeth. Change is just this thing that never fails to make me feel like I am standing in the Halloween aisles of Target, trying to figure out how it will dress up and show up at my door the next time.

Months ago, I would have lied to you. About this whole change thing. I would have acted way more gracefully and told you: change is a good thing. It’s necessary. We need it.

I still believe all those things but I think I’m giving up the graceful act— I know I am clumsy when it comes to change. I still fight this thing inside of me that doesn’t want to move. I still cling. And there was this one time when I spent a whole day in the library— a whole stretch of day— with every book I could find on butterflies flapped open and lying on the floor. I felt like a crazy person. A literal crazy person. Still, I spent that day tracing every step in the transformation process. Caterpillar, cocoon, butterfly. Caterpillar, cocoon, butterfly. Looking for any clue that something as dumb as a caterpillar could know the potential it had to actually fly. I stayed in that spot on the floor just until my soul could be fed with enough reassurance: even something as pretty as a butterfly clings to its old life as long as it can. Because it has no idea what will happen next. And all it can see is the dark of the next step. So no, you’re not wrong to cling. It’s okay to cling.

Change is not a trick-or-treater.

Isn’t that the scary part? Change knows exactly what it wants when it comes to your door. It’s you. Your whole body. Your whole being. The parts of yourself you said you didn’t want to release so soon. That’s change— always looking different and always asking for the same thing when it reaches you: the permission to come ripping into your life to shove you around like furniture. For the better. For the worse. For the chance to leave you different than yesterday.

It’s okay. Really, it’s okay. Don’t be afraid if you are changing. If you are not in love any longer. If you are stretched too thin. Don’t be afraid.

This whole thing— this entire journey— is about change. It’s about an equation you’re not supposed to be able to solve. It’s about dreams that feel too big for your body because you need those sorts of things. We all need things that are bigger than our bodies to keep us hopeful and to keep us going.

This whole thing is about learning to tell yourself ‘yes.’ And ‘no.’ And ‘stay.’ And ‘don’t stay.’ And allowing yourself to let go of the lie the world tries to feed you, the lie that tells you you cannot become someone different if you want to be. You can. I promise that. You can. It starts with change and a lot of little action verbs: breaking. changing. morphing. molding. doing. letting go. laughing. enduring. fighting. leaving.

Don’t be afraid. This is all a part of the process.

Today is the first day that I actually believed it.

The first day I actually believed fall might be a real thing in Atlanta. That people weren’t just lying to me when they told me that one day, one day soon, the leaves would shimmy and turn and crumble to the ground. The temperature would dip low and give the southern humidity a one-way ticket to go somewhere else for a little while.

It’s like I want to tell everyone around me who has an ear to hear it: This isn’t October the way I am used to. I am a girl who grew up watching the summer die. I could watch it in the trees. I could see it in the air. Summer dying, where I come from up north, is the most remarkable treasure you never had to pay for. It’s given unto you. And I hope I never take it for granted again.

There’s just something about those leaves though. Watching them change. Watching them cling to the green until the brown and yellow and red take over up until the point when they can’t hold on any longer and they fall to the ground.

It gives me hope. Like hope that I could become as good as change as those leaves. That I could stop clinging long enough to become a different shade or color of myself. That I could stop whispering the lie in my own ear: things don’t have to change, they can stay the same. 

Things don’t stay the same. They just don’t. People move. They leave. They don’t become who you expect them to be. You grow out of one another. Friends leave. We all shut doors. We open new ones. We shut more. And goodbye sometimes brings heartbreak and it sometimes hauls miracles into your life.  You have to let it fall off your lips sometimes just to know.

You will still watch the leaves fall off the trees whether you witness it with open hands or arm crossed over you in resistance. If you are anything like me then you need to be the one to beg yourself not to miss out on one of the most back-breaking beautiful things of this lifetime: you get to change. You. You. You are not forgotten in all of this. You get to become something new too.

And maybe that’d seem nicer if you could see the change before it pushed you into newness. But then again, it must not work that way for a reason. There’s got to be a reason why I have to be someone new but I can’t know everything about that new girl yet.

Maybe it’s the process. The unknown of the process that gets you good. Turns you gold and all that stuff. Maybe it’s the process– not the destination on a map but the dotted lines that get you there. 

Maybe we should go and see.

Maybe, let’s just go and see.

:: photo cred ::

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21 thoughts on “New girl.

  1. Angie Darrell says:

    Hi! I’m not even sure you can reply to these emails I suppose I will reply anyways.

    I’m a happy person generally but today I am rattled by a dream I had last night about my boy best friend who I fell in love with and our friendship has since changed because I wanted more and he had someone else. I asked him to stop calling… It took a long time before he did and now we don’t talk. In my dream we were lying together and crying and he was kissing my forehead while we said our goodbyes. It seems so real, and not what I want. I miss my friend so much it hurts.

    I read your post just now and it struck me at the perfect time. “Things don’t stay the same. They just don’t……Friends leave…… And goodbye sometimes brings heartbreak and it sometimes hauls miracles into your life”.

    I’m waiting for the miracle that his good bye brings. Thank you for writing. Your words twist themselves into exactly what I need some days.

    Signed Going to see….

    >

  2. My Timehop today showed me tweet about one of your posts two years ago that, not surprisingly, left me fighting back tears in Starbucks. How fitting that this had the same effect, only now I’m in the Teacher’s Lounge. Needed this more than you know (and would love a catch-up session to talk about it). Miss you, my OL.

  3. BG Poole says:

    Yes the world needs more people like you Hannah, thanks for the sweet assurance that change and life is making us who we are, and we do get to choose.

  4. Hollie Williams says:

    Hi,

    My name is Hollie Williams. I follow your IG, your blog, & I am on the Monday morning blog too. I have also seen that we have several mutual friends from Atlanta. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty. I can totally relate to this. I lived around Atlanta for the majority of my life (mostly north of Atlanta) & my husband & I just moved to Nashville 1 month ago. I love Nashville. There are days it makes me feel so alive, wanting more of it & other days all I want to do is go back home. Today has been one of those days where I just want to drive home, yet I know I belong here now. All of that to say, I can relate to all the feelings. I am there completely. Thank you for opening up about your journey.

    Hollie Williams

  5. Pingback: New girl.

  6. MonaLisa says:

    Ah Hannah, Darling, someone I love had lost his father today. He was not ready to let go. I was hoping he would be. Things will change in his life. Change happens and you have left me breathless with your insight.
    I needed this today more than I can say. Lots of Love.

  7. Christina says:

    Hannah- I always feel like I’m reading something I might have written for myself when I read your words. I feel a strong tug in my heart and a pull deep in my belly. You make me feel normal. You inspire me to keep going, growing, and moving forward. You validate my feelings and make me want to be better. Thank you for your touching and very raw words. Thank you thank you thank you. Xo

  8. Asmah Oscar says:

    Hi Hannah! This, most recent post, reminded me of a lovely Youtube video I just saw. It has a similar message, maybe you’ll enjoy it!

    Eulogy for You and Me

    Eulogy for You and Me View on http://www.youtube.com Preview by Yahoo With love, Asmah

  9. Pingback: ||Hustle and Gold|| |

  10. priya dhoundiyal says:

    So brilliantly said,Hannah! Just the other day,a friend of mine told me very regretfully,that she had changed a lot in the past two years. I couldn’t help but think of what I told her then which was so jarringly similar to what you’ve said – I told her that as humans,we are meant to change continuosly – knowingly and unknowingly. Change is a way of life and just like the butterflies (I know, I mentioned them too 🙂 ) we just have to trust that it will be for the better. Thank you for reassuring my faith. P. S. – I’m gonna send this to her. I’m sure it’ll make her day 🙂

  11. rtimmorris says:

    LOVE this one. Thank you. Change is a big theme in my own writing so it’s a joy to read another’s take on the beautiful, heartbreaking and positive nature of change. You used butterflies, I used birds; we still met in the middle somewhere. Fantastic!

  12. I thought of our last phone conversation the entire time I read this…it’s so spot on. I couldn’t help but think of God every time you said change. Instead of change showing up at my door, I picture Him, ready to mold me into something new. Love ya, friend! xoxo!

  13. Pingback: lessons learned in the past eight weeks | life and loveliness

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