When a blog turns 5.


Honesty hour: I’ve been avoiding this blog.

I’ve been ignoring this blog more stealthily than I ignored the texts of a dude I gave my phone number to after he talked my ear off about bed bugs for nearly an hour at a party. I felt bad about the conversation so I crumbled when he asked for my digits. I don’t recommend ignoring people but I was young & dumb. We all make them rooky mistakes.

It’s been three weeks since I’ve written. I can’t even pull the “I’ve not been inspired to write” card. I have been inspired. I just spent the last few days in the deserts of California learning how to brew Batdorf & Bronson coffee over a propane tank and spending the afternoons frolicking through fields of cacti. Being “uninspired” is not applicable in this space.

But something has shifted in my heart as of lately. I tried to explain myself in this blog post here but nothing ever came of it. So I am going to try again— this time with more determination.

I was talking the other day with a guy who was born on December 31. He said he hated being born on a holiday. I told him I didn’t understand but that was okay. I could understand Christmas or Valentine’s Day but I think there’s something so beautiful about sharing your birthday with the one day of the year where most humans are optimistic about starting over. We get really resolved on December 31. We think about the things we want to leave behind and there’s almost this tangible hope that we will, that we might actually be different humans and hurt one another less and consume more vegetables at the strike of midnight.

For years I hated admitting that I was a big fan of New Years because it seemed cliché. The cooler thing to do was be a cynic and claim I made no resolutions. Now that the ice has thawed off of me, I can say without hesitation: I actually love this sacred last day of the year where me, and a couple other million people, feel like maybe our do-over is about to begin.

Why? Because I’m a big fan of the do-over. I like starting over. Here’s the thing though: you’re stuck with yourself. If you want to change then that’s on you. You have to begin the process. You have to stick with it. The whole world likes to talk about changing your whole life but I think few ever really do it.

For a while I’ve wanted a do-over for this blog. This blog is 5 years old. She is in need of a major makeover— think Laney Boggs in She’s All That.

 

People wonder if starting a blog is really worth it. To that I say, yes. Absolutely. Completely. Blogging— to me— is not a trend. It’s exercise. It’s discipline. It’s a way to develop a voice and developing said is absolutely crucial if you want to write on bigger platforms one day.

A blog will show you who you are and who you are not. Who you hope to be and who you hope to bury in the next 5 years.

Five years ago, when this blog began, I was a senior in college. I was an eternal optimist. I thought everything could be fixed by cupcakes and I was perpetually singing about life to the tune of “War is Over (if you want it).” I was a feminist but only to prove a point. I wanted to save every orphan everywhere. I was consumed by a need to be the glittering object in every person’s orbit and that was truly exhausting. I came off as cool and confident, single and aware of myself. In actuality, I was consumed with myself— how I looked, who I impressed, what I accomplished.

Perfectionism will give you a bag of things you don’t actually need: eating disorders, depression, anxiety, fear wrapped up in fear.

In the next year I would move to New York City. I would deal with depression for the first time. I would live in the Bronx, work at the United Nations, and freelance for style magazines making 50 dollars an article.

I would begin writing letters and leaving them all over New York City as a way to cope with my loneliness. That would turn into a movement and I would need to grow up and turn into a human who can lead a team, delegate, and interpret spreadsheets (I still cannot handle that last one). I would start speaking around the country. I would quit my solid job with benefits. I would write my first book. And I would learn the truth that I hope everyone learns: It is okay to love your work. It is beautiful to do good. But the second your work becomes your life and you are drowning underwater, something has to give. Something has to shift.

So, in the last year of my life, everything shifted (for the better): I stopped making excuses. I opened up (really). I made coffee dates with people I would actually have to see more than once. I planted a garden. I figured out how to date and tackle small talk. I learned (am learning) to cook. I fell in love for the first time in 9 years and my hypothesis that it wasn’t possible to feel those feelings again was shattered. I discovered community, the real kind that doesn’t exist on Instagram. I met Jesus. As if Jesus were some beautiful, bearded man in a lumberjack flannel who comes up to your table to give you refills, I met him regularly in coffee shops across Atlanta. I taught my first writing intensive. I grew a garden. I camped (twice). I moved on. I figured out how to stay.

 

For the last few months, I’ve been really afraid to merely inspire you. This culture is full of inspiration and I find that it never fills me. It only keeps me clicking on more links.

I was sitting in a bible class last month and the teacher for the evening began by saying, “If you want something deep in your life, don’t ever expect it to the come through an event— unless it initiates a process.”

Two things to take from that:

I want something deep for your life.

Life is a process.

This blog has the capability to light a fire beneath you and send you charging you out into the world but we all know you’d eventually have to come back to get more fire. I don’t want that for your life. I want you to know how to build your own fires, how to change your own life.

For that reason, I am dedicating this blog to that mission for the next year: how to change your life. How to be brave. How to adult harder than you’ve ever adulted before. How to suck it up. How to move on. How to have tough conversations. How to use a dating app. How to kill your demons. How to buy dishes and plant roots. How to tackle an interview. How to love your community well. How to say no. How to pray. How to get off the phone.

I will still be writing some of the same content. I want to still talk about searching for God, and growing deeper, and dealing with heartbreak. I want to continue writing my “Dear Abby” style pieces so please, please write to me with your questions. I just want to show you more of my personality. I want to take the pressure off myself to always feel deep and insightful whenever I want to write to you here.

I want to be able to laugh with you, share rap music, joke with you, foster community in the comments section, and really become a tribe of movers & shakers who know how to light their own fires. If you figure out how to light your own fire— stack the woods, light the match, fan the flame— then you can teach others. The more fires we have this world, the more light. This world needs more light.

 

So let’s start. Please comment below and share with me some of the topics you hope I will handle in the year ahead. I will be reading.

 

65 thoughts on “When a blog turns 5.

  1. Love this!

    I would like to hear your side of this whopper:
    What to do when your heart is someplace but your hands are full…Or what to do when you love where you are but you feel pulled to also be somewhere else or do something else.

  2. How to stay friends with people from afar. How to restore grownup relationships. How to believe you’re made for greater. HOW to organize a blog. How to budget 😒. How to be an activist with grace.

    I’ll be back.

    1. Hannah,

      This is my first time visiting your blog, and your writing has already made any burdens I was carrying feel a bit lighter. Your honesty reminds me that I am not alone, and I must thank you for that. I also have to thank you for not looking down on those you write to, and for making it feel as if I can link arms with you and charge forward with hope into the new year. It is refreshing to say the least!

      I’m a junior in college studying music and I’ve struggled with anxiety for the past year and half. I cannot wait to continue reading of your triumphs and struggles as you journey through 2016. Here’s to the laying down of our lives in order to find it. To the dying in order to truly live.

      Thanks again Hannah!

  3. well this was a delightful highlight to my Wednesday afternoon. thank you for writing.
    you mentioned learning how to date and tackle small talk. I am terrified of small talk; terrified of silence and having absolutely nothing to say or contribute to a conversation. that goes for all kinds of relationships, not just dating. so, I’d love to hear more about your “journey” with that topic! you are GREAT.

  4. This sounds amazing. I think the thing I need help with most is how to move on. How to grapple with opening your heart to someone and having it broken. Feeling like someone ran your heart over with a semi and shoved it back into your chest with no apologies and no instructions on how to repair it. How not to be angry with them anymore (especially when you have to see them regularly). Your thoughts on that would be beautiful.

  5. I love this and your heart Hannah! How to be brave and adult harder are DAILY struggles for me and I’m always so thankful for your posts on those. They always come at the right time! I would look forward to more of those. And the ones about God- those always get to my inbox at the right moment too. Thankful for your heart. -Katy

  6. This hit me so hard. I feel like I am right in the middle of a similar… what do you even call it? An epiphany? A shift? A dawning? You’ve once again put words to exactly what I’ve been feeling for the past several months… I am so excited for the newness and the direction you have chosen to go in the coming season. And I am so grateful for your transparency, always. ❤ Thank you!

  7. One line that really stood out to me was “I was a feminist, but only to prove a point.” I’d like to maybe see a post where you talk about how you encounter issues within feminism as a working woman and how feminism itself has developed for you.
    I absolutely love reading your post. Thank you!

  8. I’m 55 and male. Your book “If you find this letter…” moved me at a time when I was really struggling resulting in 3 e-mails to your website in 2 days. It’s funny you talk about being an adult. I don’t care how old you get, it can always be a struggle. Don’t get my wrong, I’ve always been accountable, responsible, giving, and sacrificing but I did it because that was what a husband and father is supposed to be. It was the example my dad gave me and his dad before him. Society and culture dictated that to me. While that isn’t a bad thing and those are good qualities, it resulted in 2 divorces and a bitter shell of a man.

    It’s only been in the last year and a half, after 2 divorces and 13 years of basically being a hermit, that I started to try and learn to love myself. That’s why I connected with your story so much. You were doing the same thing. Trying to love and accept yourself and figure out where God and Christ fit into that picture of you and your life. You just chose to do it in your twenties!

    I won’t give you full credit but you get partial credit for the fact that I’ve returned to church in the last month in an attempt to figure out my own believes and find my own spirituality. How to’s are great and all, but the ultimate how to is to figure out how to love your self, be authentic, and learn to love and accept others. Just help people figure out how to do that and the world will be a better place.

  9. The words ‘starting over’ actually ran through my head on the drive home from work, they were sang out by Hayley Williams and Hunter Hayes and now appear on my laptop while Christmas music fills my living room….. it’s time to move on but what I want to hear about it ‘How do you deal with rejection and getting over someone who said “I only see you as a friend, I care but only as a friend” in such a nice way?

    Thank You 🙂 x

  10. HB,

    Thank you for five years of beautiful, inspiring writing. It’s been amazing to watch this grow through the years and this blog and your words have helped you through some of my toughest, darkest life events and I can’t thank you enough.

    This year I graduate college. And if you wanted to tackle how to handle that in a blog, it would be perfect. Learning to move away and outside of the bubble that college puts you in for four years. How to cope when everything changes the moment you walk across the stage and move that tassel.

    Its scary, and terrifying, and exciting. I would like to think I’m ready, but I know when the day comes, I am not going to know what to do.

    Love to you always.

    RR

  11. HB you have inspired my heart. You have been a nail that Jesus used as a tool in my soul to push me to start my own blog. For that, I am very thankful to you. I have ran across you a time or two in the halls of passion and in those moments you never knew what your words spilled out on a glowing screen have meant to me. I would love to hear more on how to have the courage to be transparent to a world that has lost its genuine spirit. From a truly genuine soul, aka you, I know it will be purely words of wisdom.
    Thanks always ❤️
    DBE

  12. Hannah, reading your blog is like sitting down for coffee with a friend. It’s like reading a book that you’ve read ten times and it soothes you and gives you so much comfort. Thank you.

    You mentioned talking about how to adult. Adulting is scary. I’m headed into this world where I know nothing and sometimes I still forget to do laundry and it’d be great to hear your advice. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to be brave and do something you’re scared to do. I’d love to hear it all. Here is to the almost-New-Year of blog posts.

  13. Hannah!! This sounds awesome, like I already think of you as like a best friend and kindred spirit but I agree, let’s talk rap music and Buzz Feed lists sometimes because as ironic as it is, all the inspirational “stuff” that we’re bombarded with kind of weighs us down I think. Like we’re trying so hard to process and put into practice all of this advice that we live by a list of “should be’s” and I don’t know about anyone else, but it makes me feel like I’m failing at personhood. Like my feels are wrong and if I don’t feel constantly: grateful, balanced, confident and motivated by a burning passion then I’ll get left behind in loneliness. There’s so many things I’m curious about, so much that I want to tackle that sometimes I can’t find the words to describe it to anyone… How about: “how do you get over that uncomfortable feeling of doing things yourself?” As in, you’ve tried to reach out to people and they’re unavailable and instead of feeling rejected and hiding from everyone you decide you’re going to DO and BE for you. So much love and admiration beautiful girl ❤

  14. I long for community from when I wake up to when I go to sleep. Thinking and writing about community are far from actually getting out there and living in community. Especially as an introvert, I’ve had a tough time in the ‘doing’ department. If you have any advice on how to create/ engage in community as an introvert I would love to hear it!

    1. I completely identify with what Melody says in this comment. I am an introvert who is longing for community. I even took a huge step out of my comfort zone and started a Meetup group for introverted women, but it still didn’t produce the results I was hoping for. Any words of wisdom for creating a community would be greatly appreciated!!!

    2. I completely identify with this comment. I am an introvert who is desperately seeking community. I have made an effort to find a like minded community. I even took a huge step out of my comfort zone and started a Meetup group for introverted women, but it didn’t turn out the way that I had hoped. Any words of wisdom that you could share on this topic would be greatly appreciated!!!

  15. My goal for 2016 is very similar to,yours. I always choose a word for each year after praying about it. My one word-well it’s actually a couple are “be strong and courageous” which is brave. So I love that you are doing this too.

  16. Thank you for your words. I’m probably a little outside of your usual demographics… I’m on the other side of “starting over”. Looking at life after work. How to build a life with your mate and kids and grandkids after the careers. I would love to hear what you have to say on that.

    Also note: the comment one reader made about “How to be brave and adult harder are DAILY”… gotta say that’s a struggle that never stops. We must have faith that Jesus will walk us through each day, and that makes me braver and adult harder.

  17. I still remember when you started your blog 🙂

    Loved this post. Am in the process of my “new year” post myself. I would love to read more about how sensitive people with big hearts and emotions deal with the rest of the world. When that nurturing is perceived as smothering. When you do unto others as you would wish done for yourself only to have it blocked, and to be left, confused. How to feel like you belong in the world. How to not feel discouraged when all you want to do is make things better because you know how hard it can be. How to not rely so heavily on others’ approval, or how to balance your emotions. There doesn’t seem to be a place for the deepest of feels in the world.

  18. I would love to hear about how to hope again when rejection breaks you or when a dream doesn’t come into fruition, how to adjust when you downsize what you’re involved in, and how to endure longsuffering/patience.

  19. I would love to hear your take on how to love a community well. My friends and I have been talking about that lately and don’t have any conclusions yet, but we’re praying and seeking what that might look like for us as a group.

  20. Wow! I’ve been waiting for your post but thank you for the taking your time so we can have this. I’ve been asking myself how can I figure out what to do with the rest of my life, what does God want me to do specifically so that I can figure out how to do it. The coming season reminds me how desperately I need to have a goal and a strategy to achieve that but I can’t seem to figure out where I need to go.

  21. Hannah,

    Thank you so much for your lovely posts all the time! I truly enjoy reading and learning from them. You have such a courageous heart and the intention to want to share with others what’s good – that’s so precious!!!

    I would like to hear about topics on mentoring, preparation in the singlehood 🙂

    That’ d be lovely!!

    Have a blessed day Hannah!!! :):)

  22. Yay! Happy birthday to your blog and congratulations to you! I enjoy your writing and blog to no end, and look forward to the next chapter!
    Life and growing up is hard: this is noted by twenty somethings in funny Instagram posts and quotes, but your blog touches on the realness of growing and adulthood in a tangible and way that lets me know “me too, I have been there too, we will get through this!”
    I look forward to what is to come, and hopefully catching more glimpses into your life and world!

  23. Yay! Happy birthday to your blog and congratulations to you! I enjoy your writing and blog to no end, and look forward to the next chapter!
    Life and growing up is hard: this is noted by twenty somethings in funny Instagram posts and quotes, but your blog touches on the realness of growing and adulthood in a tangible and way that lets me know “me too, I have been there too, we will get through this!”
    I look forward to what is to come, and hopefully catching more glimpses into your life and world! And I’d love to get back to your “roots” so to speak (hi, love notes!), and hear about love. Self-love, love for humanity, love for friends, your partner, family and dog. And maybe even the other side of love: tough love, unrequited love….all love everything.
    I never can get enough love!

  24. I love how you have grown in Jesus and never tire of hearing about that. But you also are an amazing writer so as a blogger myself, I would love to hear any insights there as well. Your personality and creativity really show through.

  25. Hannah,

    I feel like you and I are either very similar, or very different, I’m still not sure. Either way I really appreciated this post and I think it came right when I needed to read something real.

    Thanks for always being such a genuine human,

    Best,
    Heidi

  26. Your blog hits home for me every time.

    Something that always strikes me about you is how you have all these THINGS. That’s such a strange way to put it, but you’re juggling so many different passions and you’re so driven towards them.

    For me, I am so driven and so full of passion, but I don’t know where to put it. Don’t know what my niche is. Don’t know where to even beginning looking for it. I know I have purpose and call on my life. Understand my creativity. I just don’t know how to focus it.

    So, how do you do that? How do you narrow down or sort out from the bigger picture what it is you love to do? And when you’ve got an idea of it — how do you start focusing on it to make it a reality?

    I guess these are broad questions, but I would love to start figuring out what it is that I need to be pouring my enthusiasm towards life into.

  27. We are never too old to learn from each other. I truly believe we are all here to help each other HOME. As for me, I was 52 years old and my husband had just passed away before I learned how to find answers in a Bible. I’d always prayed, but more of a “help me Lord,” and “Thank you Lord” kind of way. The summer after my husband’s death I learned to listen, to discern God’s voice. I am in awe of what he has done for me in the past three years; four book contracts, a library director job, and then a newspaper reporter position that pays the bills and provides insurance for me and my children. I have a public speaking ministry. My world is so much bigger now, but because I have lost three very important people in three years (mother, husband, grandson) my heart has been broken…Broken wide open. I would love to see you address the issue of discernment in your young life.

  28. Adulting, yes! If you could also write more about being a business lady, living your own life, managing expectations coming from your parents…
    Anyway, I’ll wait for anything you’ll write, even about your breakfast; I mean anything.

  29. I loved this! I would love to hear your perspective on how to lead people that are WAY different that you or are super duper high maintenance and could therefore pull a lot out of you as a leader. Thanks!

  30. This was beautiful and says exactly how I’ve been feeling these past few months. It has been hard, but getting back up after falling down is possible. I will definitely keep close tabs. Thank you for your inspirational words.

  31. I have been reading your blog for years, but have never had the courage to leave a reply. Thank you for allowing us to believe in words…to believe in what is good. I am an English teacher who loses a piece of myself every time I see my students care minimally…I seek to be inspired and, in turn, to inspire others. That seems challenging on most days. I am trying. I believe in words. I believe in your words. Thank you.

  32. Yesssss. I am so excited about this.

    In 2016, my mission is to find a church family and create a community there, but I am also so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so terrified to do so. I’ve grown up in church but have never felt like I totally belonged. Not spiritual enough or outgoing enough or funny enough or pretty enough or, or, or, or. I let my self-doubts get in the way of true community. I let my shyness infect me so that not showing up is easier than putting in the effort. But I want a church family and I want people I can lean on and I want lasting relationships. How do I do that when I’m so scared of what people think of me, when I don’t feel as if I have enough to offer, when my shyness overwhelms me?

    1. Hi Stephany, I noticed you’re in Florida (I am too), what area are you in? if it’s close to me I can recommend an amazing church with a great community of people 🙂

  33. Your words constantly bring to light many of the things I encounter as a Christian, single, post-grad, twenty-something. I would be interested to hear your perspective on balancing romanticism/inspiration/idealism with being realistic. I most frequently encounter this when falling in love. For example, believing things may be able to work out for you when the situation may not be the most seamless or realistic. These instances breed a level of insecurity and bitterness in me. Can you relate?

  34. Thank you for the simplicity for the display of your feeling on writing. Many years ago, as a teenager, a language teacher wrote on my private notebook full of poetry that it would be a serious sin not continue what was mine – the talent of write poetry. Perhaps many of us went through this phase in life. I did. And spent hours reciting poetry during the afternoons while mine little one napped.
    Later, I began journaling, a journey that allowed me to learn about myself.
    You allowed me to look back and reexamine as life continues.

  35. Leaving behind body image issues and self-doubt. Picking up more bravery, more peace, more confidence in my own skin. Maybe new year’s is cliche, my husband is still has a cold chip on his shoulder about it, but I think hitting the reset button every 365 days is just what us humans need; for grace, for love, and for the rekindling of hope.

  36. You are a JOY to know. I want to be part of your tribe. This blog was for me! Somehow you knew just what I needed….community that doesn’t expect perfection…acceptance for being just who and where I am…right now…not when I get all my “ducks” in a row. I’m 68 & starting completely over…post agonizing divorce and loss. I need to set a fire…even with wet matches! Maybe I’ll rub 2 old journals together and spark something new! God bless!!

  37. HI HB!

    First, I’d like to say you’re an inspiration and a role model – seriously though, I talk to my BFF every morning during our commute (she’s in NYC and I’m in Chicago, both commuting an hour – its a nice chat) and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve brought you up in conversation as “this girl I love!” or “this girl Hannah Brencher who wrote this book, has this blog, and is just incredible” – just want to say, I love what you’re doing and you are moving mountains!

    I would love to see if you have any words to comment on “How to find your Mission in life” – this is something my younger brother is struggling with now as he is graduating after 5 years in high school (transferred to a boarding school) and he is deciding where to go to college / what to major in. He’s considered quite a few paths, but isn’t feeling so sure about where he will end up or where he should devote his time and energy. I’d love to read what you have to say, and share it with him of course 🙂

    Lots of love & light,
    Courtney

  38. i love this, Hannah. Learning how to let go has been a process. I get attached to souls and it’s hard to realize that some people are only meant to stay for a season. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. How do you change with the seasons when you know one is about to end?

  39. OH MY GOSH! Looooooved this post. I feel like I’m in the same season of life with realizing it’s all a process and FEW actually do what they WANT. I would love to read about planting roots! I’ve moved so much over the last 5 years and when I sit down to think about it, I’m puzzled. Why? Am I running from myself? I am moving to Fort Worth, TX in a few weeks and I want to STAY. I want to plant roots. I want to get a TX drivers license! I want to dive in head first! Thank you for your words and honesty! I love it all! -Skye

  40. I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for the past 2 years but this is my first time commenting. I want to thank you for your gift of writing. Your posts always uplift me and you have great insights to share. I almost feel like we grew up together. It’s strange – even though we’ve never met, we share so many similar experiences. Loneliness, heartbreak, insecurity, doubt…feelings that both make you feel so isolated but are also universal and shared amongst others. I am so excited for the new year and for what you have in store! I am a senior in college now (the same age you were when you began your blog!) and would love to see you write about what advice for the first year out of college, how to find yourself, living in New York (I’m also moving there for full-time work), making friends in the big city, and being fearless of the future. I’m feeling so anxious about graduating, leaving my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my small town….even though I have a great opportunity ahead it is certainly bittersweet. I don’t know anyone in the city and am scared. But you did overcame that experience, of moving to New York and of finding your voice, and I would love to hear your advice on how I can do the same. Thank you again for everything <3!!

  41. Hi Hannah!

    I am soooo greatful for the blogs or new years past as well as those you are planning for the next year because it’s EXACTLY what I’ve been wanting to get more of from this space. I feel like I’m a few steps behind you – finding out the everything has a process, that love is real (work) and that God “is not a magic 8 ball” in the words of Kevin DeYoung so I need to learn the art of “staying,” committing and working without waiting for a burning bush, wool prayer fleece or a hand writing on my wall. I need the January writing intensive. I need to start my blog and face the 16 followers like their in my living room and stop waiting for perfect patty to “tell me when to go.” I need to have a place to be reminded that I need to get off my but, get my head out of my head, and meet new people because waiting to be found kinda sucks – especially when I’m still figuring out who they will find when they come – I still don’t know me.

    Here are a few topics I would LUhhhhhhh to see here:
    – More on the business side of your career as a writer
    – how to find a literary agent or pitch a publisher
    – how to craft your speaking engagement talks
    – how to date and have (godly) fun (I’m just now hopping off the eternal “I only court bus”)
    – How to hear from God
    – How to just work and see what happens
    – How to let yourself live
    – How to let go of perfectionism
    – How to be loved
    – How to let someone in your heart without thwarting God’s place

    No pressure! Lol these are just thoughts I have and would like to hear someone else’s opinion on ( I will be writing what I have experienced as well)

    I’m super excited for the intensive and look forward to your posts for 2016!!!

  42. Being VULNERABLE and putting down your guard!! I don’t know when it happened but I noticed that I have a big problem with being open and letting people in completely. This is my first post of yours i’m reading so i’ll definitely check your other posts to see if you have something along those lines. I would really love posts about vulnerability though so that I can live a life that’s authentic.

  43. Oh GURL!! I recently started following you on Instagram and saw your post today about the writing intensive and I’m bummed I missed it. BUT this post absolutely was a breath of fresh air.

    YES to everything you said. I’d love to hear more about your writing: how to really find your voice (you obviously have), about writing your book, how you started a movement/build a community around a cause or goal, etc. I love it all. Thank you for sharing your heart!!

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